Yesterday was day one (again) in the battle of my food addiction. I woke up to discover that my “last meal” brownies and ice cream hadn’t gotten thrown out the night prior as planned. But the day was young and my will power was strong, so I bagged them up and froze them. (For what? Another day when moderation would magically feel easy? First mistake.)
I worked out yesterday. First time in weeks. I tracked my food yesterday. Back to plant based. I kept the tv off and through out the day read five chapters in my new food battle book.
I read about the sacrifices I’d have to make to be free of my desires. I saw some awesome parallels between my desires for food and some well known Bible stories all in a new light. I applied a scripture tattoo about obedience on my forearm to memorize. I prayed for help to not want brownies. I prayed for relief from this entrapment. I prayed to be free of this addiction. I prayed that I could one day just stop thinking about food all together.
This morning I sobbed into my hands as I confessed out loud to my husband that I had a bowl of brownies and ice cream before bed. How can I not even make it one day? Why can’t I be free of this cycle? How do I fix this for good? Am I the most pathetic person in the world?
Hubs coming through with the truth nugget, “You’re never going to solve this problem. You’re always going to want bad food and to overeat it. You’re not going to magically fix it one day. But you can control it.”
Me, “Controlling it for the rest of my life feels like work, entrapment and bondage too. Feels so hopeless and hard.”
Hubs, “Jesus says we’re putting on a yoke no matter what. We have to do work, but Jesus says his is light.”
Speed past how great God was to give me this human, and come with me to the scripture he was referring to in Matthew 11:28-30.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
A yoke is a wooden cross piece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart they are about to pull. Hubs was right. You don’t put a yoke on before vacation… you put it on to work. So it brought me to some wrestling points.
Do I accept that this life isn’t easy? Do I understand work is required and hardship is promised?
Do I trust that Jesus’ yoke is easy and burden is light? Do I trust that His way is better than mine? Do I believe that words like self control, deny, and obey are actually words of freedom and not words of bondage?
It’s a funny thing that Hubs telling me I’ll never fix it was the most freeing gift he could’ve given me. I’m a black and white, leap not walk, all or nothing kinda gal. The reality is, when it comes to “fixing it”, I find myself working up to some elaborate plan. I spend time in the study, gaining knowledge and weighing the pros and cons. I war with my thoughts, trying to find the best fool proof, realistic, course of action with secured longevity. My eyes are always on the horizon, too preoccupied with a course of action, mapping out my way to where the sun meets the water. I’ve completely missed the fact that I have to first, get in the boat.
Lesson one: the sun never touches the water.
Lesson two: there is a reason God says in scripture to only worry about today and not well thought out plans to horizons.