“I told you what to do and you’re not listening so I don’t feel bad for you.”
The second it slipped out of my mouth, I wished I could take it back. Immediately, I felt shame. “Thank you God for never saying this to your children”, I prayed out loud.
Now before you judge me, my 5 year old was demanding help putting on her panties whilst standing up. She’s been potty trained since she was 20 months old—home girl can put on her own panties. I even offered brilliant advice to sit down and try, to which she replied, “IGNORE!” It’s a cute new trick she’s picked up to reiterate the fact she’s not listening to me. (At least, she’s honest I suppose. 🙄)
Cue my, “I told you what to do and you’re not listening so I don’t feel bad for you.”
God says, do not fear. I live in fear. God says, do not be anxious. I have anxiety. God says have patience and self control. What are those things? God says to love others more than myself. I am self absorbed. God says come to Him for rest. I try everything else. I could keep going, unfortunately.
And when I have thrown myself in a pit of the above and then fuss at Him for help with my metaphorical panties, I’m so thankful He doesn’t respond at all like I did. He is love. He is compassion. He is patience. And He is so good.
I love my children more than life. I often act like I love them more than He does. Yesterday in scripture He reminded me they aren’t mine, they are His. Then today He drove in the point with an “I actually love them quite a bit further than your earthly love can travel” moment. What a humbling thing to realize the love I feel for these little (lunatic) people, absolutely pales in comparison to the love He has for us.
This isn’t a new concept. God’s love. I bet (see also: kinda hope) you’ve heard of it one billion times. But I felt a weight of it’s beauty and my unworthiness after baby bath time tonight that I didn’t want to forget. I will, though. So I needed to build this altar for when I most assuredly do.
This conviction lead me to patience (that He knew I would need) when that same 5 year old I love so much spiraled into mayhem mere moments after the panty incident. (Side bar: You people said 5 would be easier. You people lie.)
After we made up and I had her heart, we hugged–“Look, Mommy our heads make a heart when we hug. I think that’s probably why God invented hugs.” She wanted to take a picture for Daddy to see.. and conveniently, now I have a photo for this post. Ain’t that a fun full picture of love circle?