Can’o’words.

This is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.
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I was very public about my tumor journey. Within hours of finding the tumor on the MRI (ourselves 😳) I had posted for all Facebook to see. Then I wrote. I wrote often and dramatically about what I’d face and what God was doing in my heart and life. This jar is every comment and every Facebook post from every person during that season.
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It went to the hospital with me for surgery. It’s been on my nightstand for almost two years now. I haven’t opened it yet. I haven’t read any comments. Just knowing it was there was a beautiful reminder.
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November 20th, 2015 we saw the scans. And I’m not sure how powerful the brain is, but I get pretty sad around this time every year. Has it conditioned itself to be depressed routinely? Or do I subconsciously put myself back in the darkness of that season? I’ve recently started to have the same exact symptoms that I experienced leading up to discovery: altered taste, blurry vision, and tooth pain. And while regrowth is a possibility, the slow growing nature of this tumor and my surgeon’s confidence assure me that these symptoms aren’t warning signs that the tumor has returned. So is it really possible my brain is playing these cruel tricks on me?
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I realize that part of my depression around this time is deeply missing the peace and comfort that resulted in my closeness with the Lord in those months leading to surgery. Frankly, when you see a tumor in your brain you live differently. You need Him in a way you forget when life is “perfect”. Your phone isn’t even remotely as important as the faces of your husband and children. We ate what we felt like. We did what sounded fun. My priorities were in check and my Lord was my everything. Recovery didn’t afford the same luxuries. Things hurt. Life looked different. You forget the cure and begin to just cope, instead.
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November 20th to January 14th I get depressed, not because I am reminded of my tumor but because I am reminded that I miss my God.
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I opened the jar today.

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