Feeling small.

I am feeling small as of late, and rightfully so.

In a few short years (50-100) everyone I know will be dead. No one will be looking at my Facebook page or talking about my life. This is not my story, and despite the way I behave, it never was. There is a much bigger picture. And it’s CRAZY that I let myself believe otherwise. It’s insane that I forget my place and the fact my life is but a vapor.

What a freeing, depressing, uplifting, exhausting thing to be confronted with your wretched self-centeredness. I go about my entire existence as if the world is my backdrop, my loved ones are supporting roles and you all are my subscribers.

My Dad is a simple, no nonsense man, and while I went about life stressed over boys, gossip and labels, he’d offer repeatedly, “You wouldn’t care so much about what people thought of you, if you knew how seldom they did.” Ouch, Daddy. But he was right then and it’s still true today. Yet as a 29 year old, not much in the way of my thinking has changed. I still live as if I believe I’m the center of your conversation and attention. My Facebook account is proof of this disease. It’s a tv station about me, and whether you even ever tune in, I act as though you never shut it off.

This process of turning outward is happening in stages, to which I am extremely thankful for. Contrary to the ‘rip it off fast’ approach, I want to feel this slow burn. I am even hoping for a scar because I don’t want to forget. But I will.

Whether you believe in God or not, it’s mind boggling how we forget that we are on a planet, held down by gravity, swirling around in space, among billions upon trillions of stars and far away galaxies.

I hate this immunity to beauty and wonder. Yet tomorrow, I assure you before my feet touch the ground I will have forgotten these truths and that my first breath is a gift. Instead, I’ll somehow manage to be consumed by a plot line in MY delusional movie.

In all of this, there is still a hope. Even though I am unable to wrap my brain around the fact that God loves me, He does.

Even though God does not need me, He wants me.

How tragic that the only thing I need (Him) is the very thing I go about my day seldom wanting.

I am feeling small as of late, and rightfully so

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