Some of you are familiar with my story, others of you have yet to learn of the deep heart ache I went through around this time two years ago. I was desperate to be a wife and mother. I had forced God’s timing and rushed my own agenda. This disobedience and distrust left me in shattered pieces on the floor, a few nights before what was supposed to be my wedding.
I was fortunate enough to run from life a bit. I was blessed with a month leave from work to just ‘get away’. I was a shell of a mess of a person. I needed adventure, a day without tears and I desperately needed Jesus. On January 15th, I started my journey to healing… First stop that month was San Diego then I settled on a mountain in Tennessee.
January 15th one year later, I met Barrett. But the irony doesn’t stop here. I’d like to share with you a journal entry from a notebook I kept close to me on this trip. I’d like to tell you of God’s hand that literally shook me from bed this morning at 7am a week before becoming Barrett’s wife. For those of you that know me, you’ll know that seeing 7am doesn’t happen as a natural occurrence.. EVER. I woke up suddenly with the remembrance of a dream I had in Tennessee. I had been advised to write it down. I was grasping to remember the details. I couldn’t. I needed the journal. But, I am almost entirely packed. How would I ever find it at this point? I can’t even remember what it looks like, I’ve sporadically written in so many. I walk to the edge of the couch, there are four tubs filled with memories: pictures, old report cards, etc. The one tub is open. There is a journal resting neatly on top like a beacon shining brightly leading me straight to it. I reach for it. It’s the one I was searching for. I had to sit down as I read through my own words of God’s promise, a promise that came in the most despairing time of my life, a promise I didn’t remember until now, a promise I can’t wait to share with you, a promise I will never forget.
January 24, 2010
I am not one to dwell on “visions” or dreams, but last night somewhere in between sleep and consciousness I had a very vivid dream. I can remember mediating on the details in my sleepy state, making sure not to miss or forget any of it. I figured (and was advised) to write it down for future reference.
Last night I saw a piece of my family. My husband had no face, so I’m left to wonder that part of the puzzle. But I had two children. Oldest was four and my youngest was two. I don’t know the sex of either but then two more came into the picture. I could bask in this feeling all day. My heart was full and my family was complete.
God gave me a small glimpse into my future. He assured me of His plan for my life. I remember after weeks of crying out to Him, literally hysterical at points, desperate to find the one that I was made for, painfully ready to enter motherhood, eagerly awaiting a family but calculating it out in my head. I was far beyond the timeline I had established. I would never be able to find my husband, and pop out 4 babies in time. I was confident God had let me down and looked over my hearts desire. The answer was never no, it was only wait. And I didn’t even have to wait that long.
I met Barrett in January. He will say he knew the moment he met me. I say, that’s what I’ve always prayed for. Not quite four months later he asked me to be his wife forever and to be the mother of his current and future children. Maeven is four years old and Vaeda is two.
My God is worthy to be trusted, worthy to be praised, my God is in control and I am so thankful for His love.