We (women) don’t understand compartmental thinking. Our spaghetti brains are completely and absolutely unable to grasp the simple and very much un-complex male psyche. I am not in any way attacking their intelligence level. I am only drawing a conclusion to their black and white nature. If my male surveys have told me anything thus far, it’s this… men mean what they say. They act how they feel. Period. It’s not some exhilarating mind game they’ve conspired to drive us crazy. We enable each other with elaborate illustrations of how he probably meant this, even though he did and said something completely different. We think everything means something else. And rightly so, because we live and breathe in this world. We assume because we act on this manner, that they do as well. Fallacy.
For instance, when a guy is stand offish and doesn’t initiate hang outs, we fit all sorts of square explanations into round pegs of understanding. He is shy. He is probably too scared to ask you out. Maybe he doesn’t think you’re interested in him, and he doesn’t want to crash and burn in a fiery embarrassment. This makes sense to us, because WE don’t always mean what we say. Think I’m way off? Humor me once more with a few examples.
You like a boy. You talk about him to your friends. You’ve even tried signing his last name behind your first name. But when he walks into the room, everything goes white and you avoid him at all cost. You ignore the boy you’ve spent all day dreaming about.
Boys don’t do this. We do. So we think they do, too.
You are good friends with this guy and have been for some time. You’ve always liked him for the part of your ‘next boyfriend’, but you play the cool chick role and are there for him when he wants to vent about other girls. You like him and will just be here reminding him of how great you are until he realizes his ‘one’ has been under his nose the whole time.
Boys only put friends in the friend zone. We put crushes in the friend zone. So we think they do, too.
He’s shy. He doesn’t approach anyone, let alone a girl he’s interested in. It’s totally acceptable for you to walk up and initiate conversation, maybe even invite him to coffee. He’ll appreciate the effortlessness of it.
We desire that pursuit. So in a twisted way, we’re able to justify its acceptableness. We like to be chased, so we think they do, too.
Do you see that because we assume boys think as we do, we end up doing a lot of silly things and wasting exhausting efforts on boys that were ‘just not that into us’ to begin with? Now, please don’t reply in anger because you did something to the above affect and it worked for you. I definitely don’t pretend to know it all. I recognize I speak in complete generalities and there are many exceptions to the rule. But, I have 15 ‘men tell all’ surveys in front of me that scream in unison, MEN ARE PRETTY STINKIN’ SIMPLE.
I’ll have you chase a white rabbit for a brief second, if you’ll allow it. A shocking majority of the men… (are you sitting down?) have a strong desire to be married. On a scale of one to five, five being the strongest desire, almost every single male survey replied with a big bold FIVE. I also need to share with you that most of the men, though they might’ve said it was ideal to be able to provide for his wife by being settled into a successful career, it was definitely not a requirement to engagement or marriage. Most of the men said it wasn’t actually important to them. If the right woman came along, they would seize the opportunity.
I also asked questions such as, “How will a girl know you are interested in her?”. They said…
they’ll want to…
SPEND TIME WITH HER. They’ll ask questions about her. They will talk to her often. They will try to hang out with her or just be around her. Pretty complex stuff, right? NOT. Ladies, if they like you, you’ll know. Let’s stop encouraging ourselves and our friends to fall for boys who don’t like us. Unless, you secretly like the fantasy build up, followed by a humiliating rejection: STOP IT.
If that wasn’t reason enough, let me share with you another secret of theirs. They know when they are being crushed on. We think we’re sly; ignoring them some days, nonchalantly writing on their facebook wall. But it would seem they are on to us. The guys I polled had a convincing list of ways they can spot an eager girl out. Follow with me, they can smell it, so if he’s not serving it back… double ouch.
I’ve suspected it for sometime, but there is something about holding the proof in your hands that will sober you up fast. Guys desire the chase. As much as we hope at our core a guy seeks us out and fights for our affection, they equally need to conquer such a fight. If he doesn’t pursue, there is a cheapness to the pursuit and he might never appreciate your heart in the way, I believe, God intends. From the moment you take the reigns, or step out ahead emotionally, the roles are reversed and it would be rather hard, I imagine, to ever flip those roles later in life.
This is where trusting God is vital to our sanity and to our heart’s health. A woman, trusting and waiting for God’s best will understand when it doesn’t work out. She’ll recognize that it was grace and not personal failure that led to the end, or maybe even led to the not-even-started. Sweet ladies, if he doesn’t want to spend time with you, it’s not because you need to lose weight or buy a new personality. It’s because he is not the one for YOU. I pray that someone tonight will stick their complex key into this simple lock and open up a security to rest in.
I have only scratched the surface of these male surveys. And I hate to lump the participants all into generic, unoriginal answers, but I must tell you their responses are all written between the same lines. They don’t stray far from each other. (Even down to the fact almost all the men sent back typed answers, whereas all the women hand wrote out their answers.) There is a lot to unpack here. I am blessed to analyze it further, thankful for the men who replied and eager to shed truth on some of the lies we’ve allowed ourselves to subscribe to for far, far too long.
Back to the male brain, I go. Wish me luck, yo.