I possess a sort of broken record spirit. Hardship, triumph and yet another hardship. Can a girl catch a break here, God?
It feels as though I’m hand and hand with God walking straight toward my heart’s desire, but then the road makes a sudden and jagged turn away from what I long for… what He promised. Our grip is tested as I try to continue the previous course. There is a soreness in my heart as the space between us grows. Our arms are now stretched to their full reach, I can feel the tightness in my whole body. I go limp. I surrender. He never lets go, His grip only tightens. I’m frustrated with Him. I cry out. Unable to look Him in the eye, instead I watch as the end to my fairy tale moves from forefront to side glance. He pulls me up, grabs me close and whispers, “Trust me”.
I do trust You, but why are You leading me this way? What I want is the other direction, Lord. Don’t You love me?
This time His voice is a little louder, “Be patient”. There is a sternness in His voice that I cannot deny, yet His eyes are kind. It’s as if they are saying.. I love you, I made you. I know what is best for you. Just walk with me.
I imagine I am Abraham, and so surely I will sacrifice my precious promise because I worship a God who will bring it back to life. And so with that, I turn away from what I thought I knew. I quicken my step so that I am back in sync with my Redeemer.
I don’t understand any of it… but I’m standing through it all. I don’t always feel the right way, but I get around to it. I am thankful for a God who has been to the end of my life and who knows exactly what is ahead and what I can bare. He knows exactly how to be glorified most in me, and is holding my hand as we walk through it all. I am so thankful for God’s word and how it comes to life precisely when I need it most. I am thankful for a stability in Christ that is not shattered through a trial but strengthened.
Hope deferred can make a heart sick, but God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything.