In the solitude (and blistering cold) of the Tennessee mountains, I learned a little bit more of God’s character. I took walks in the snow, and was moved by a simple sun beam shining through the naked tree limbs. My soul was quieted when surrounded by this winter white beauty. Not the beauty found on a Cosmo magazine, but a beauty that could only be hand painted by the Creator of the universe. I was at rest.
During my stay above the clouds, I read and reread the account of Creation in Genesis, along side the book ‘Captivating’ and a tragic story of distrust and a soul at unrest played out on both stages. If you’ve read the book, bare with me as I recap… if you haven’t, you’re in for an epiphany (or at least I was). The stage is set, you know the story… There is Adam, there is Eve and there is the invention of rebellion. But, let’s dive deeper. They had everything they ever needed at their finger tips, with only one condition… ‘Do not eat from the Tree of Life, or you shall die’. As with most deception it always starts from a small opening in the door, just enough wiggle room for Satan to slither into. We witness him plant a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind. ‘Surely you will not DIE, but instead your eyes will be opened’. In my opinion, this is the most tragic and IMPORTANT lesson to be learned in a woman’s life.
The seed of doubt was placed in Eve’s mind and from that grew a heart of distrust towards God. I can see this in my own life (dare I say.. almost EVERYDAY?). Somewhere along the way, I began to distrust God and His plan for me. I stopped believing that He had my good in store. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it happened somewhere after my first heart break, or maybe the second or third? As life begins to collect its share of hardships and defeats, the distrust in my heart grew. Eve believed that God was holding out on her and so she took matters into her own hands. She took a bite of the forbidden fruit leaving behind the plan God had for her; believing that she could construct something better with her own two hands.
Does this resound in any other women’s heart? Or am I alone to recall the countless times I have rushed God’s timing, or pushed my own agenda? Too impatient to wait or too convinced that I could do it better on my own. It’s only a matter of time before my plan comes to a rushing halt, or I am left worse off than when I had started.
If I can be brutally honest for a moment, a prime example has just irrupted in my life over the last year. I was so eager to be married, that I willed everything to play out in fast forward; boyfriend, love, marriage… the faster, the better. (Tic Tok) I knew what was best for me and I put all my energy into making it happen. We are a generation of strong, successful, EAGER women. We see what we want and not only do we go after it, but we are clever and empowered enough to attain it. Mildly put, we get what we want. It is a beautiful strength that we can sometimes seem to pervert.
I say this, if only to prevent one person from the disaster I walked through. If I had recognized my actions, for what they were, maybe I would have pumped the brakes on the crazy. I need you to hear, that I don’t blame myself for the hurt. I don’t dwell there at all. It was an unfortunate thing to be abandoned the week of your wedding. I hope no one has to walk through that and further more, I don’t think for one second God wills us to experience such a pain. I think if I had listened, He was desperately trying to pull me from it. If I had listened, *sigh*.
So here I am, as of tomorrow, another year older and back at square one, it would seem. Would you think I was insane to say, I wouldn’t trade it for anything? I’m actually encouraged to have learned such an incredible truth. It is an honest relief to know that God IS in control, God DOES desire my best and better even… WILLS to see it come to pass. It only took 26 years to finally TRUST God’s heart. And I am looking forward to spending another lifetime perfecting such a belief.
“The Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak.”-Clive Staples Lewis
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this.